Control

Okay, so, it´s been 12 days since I last wrote. Is this a sign of things to come? I hope not. I hope I can be consistent in writing about my experience as I process the loss of our daughter. I´ve been busy the last few days though. Doing what? I don´t know, really.

Starting to think about our return to Sant Vicenç. We´ve been renting an apartment closer to Barcelona the last 2 years....but we had made a decision when we moved here that if our apartment in Sant Vicenç doesn´t sell after 2 years, we´ll move back. Of course, in light of the economy, especially the real estate world, noone even looked at it while it was on the market. We had know idea of all that we would pass through during our time in our temporary home.

The truth is that this move comes at a good time for me. It´s a distraction from wallowing in depression. It´s a new project. When we first moved there, we just stuffed all of our belongings (mostly mine) into that little apartment. It was crowded and a bit hodge podge. We´d like to try to organize, throw out, update and decorate to create a welcoming, homey environment. Neither of us is very talented at decorating, though, so we´ll see how this goes.

It is a small apartment, though, so I´m starting to think more about how to reduce and how to better organize the things we do have before we buy other things. Whether it´s effectively folding clothes, boxing cleaning products, discovering unused space, it´s definitely keeping me busy. It´s also giving me some semblance of control (possilby a false sense of control) in my what could be out of control circumstances. This could be good--I´m starting to notice things I never saw before...wrinkled clothes, disorderly cabinets....but it could also be bad--returning to the inaccurate idea that I have any control over circumstances

In reality, it is God who is control. Good thing! So, I´m trying to become a wise steward of the space and the possesions God has given us without obsessing over it all.

I have a renewed level of energy after such a difficult pregnancy, but I´m still super-tired at the end of the days. Is it that I´m tired or that I´m depressed and supressing it? Don´t know. All I know is that I fall asleep when I put Aaron to bed at 8:30-9pm.

In other "news," I´ve started reading a book that I ordered a few weeks ago. It´s called Holding On To Hope by Nancy Guthrie. She lost 2 children in two separate pregnancies to the same rare disease, Zellweger Syndrome. The book is a reflection on issues of grief: loss, tears, worship, gratitude, blame, suffering, despair, why?, eternity, comforters, mystery, sumission and intimacy, using the story of Job as a backdrop for her reflections. The book includes an 8-week Bible study on the book of Job. Her book is just a 102 pages, in addition to Scripture references and the Bible study in the back. I´m more than halfway through. It´s good so far. She definitely can speak with authority on these topics. It´s a very logical book, focusing on truth, not so much on feelings. It helps to put the feelings that come (when they come) into perspective.



I´m still feeling pretty numb, like everything was a dream. Did that really happen? But I suppose this is normal. I´m hoping to feel something again soon.

Spring is about to be sprung here where I live. The sun shines a bit brighter in Spain these days. The days last a little longer. That has to bring a little added joy to these days, right? I hope so.