Just got home a few hours ago. I´ll share a quick summary and then record a more detailed version later.
Friday, Feb 17
8am While Ruben took Aaron to playschool, a friend took me to the hospital.
10am I took some medicine to start the contractions.
11am They started coming.
1pm After settling Aaron with his Spanish grandma, Ruben arrived at the hospital.
2pm The contractions had become pretty strong and I figured I could benefit from an epidural at that point.
4pm The epidural had been administered and Iwas feeling no pain.
5pm I was dialating but not enough. needed to wait a couple more hours.
7pm The epidural started to wear off, but was soon supplied again.
7:30pm The doctor broke the amniotic sac and with 3 big pushes Rebeca Grace´s body was delivered: 1 pound, 3.04 oz. / 540 grams.
8pm Ruben and I spent a few minutes alone with the baby then invited in a good friend to take a few pictures for us. Then we said goodbye.
10pm I was settled in my hospital room for the night.
Saturday, Feb 18
8am The nurses brought breakfast...cafe con leche and a roll
11am The doctor came by for the final visit and said I could go home.
12pm After dressing and gathering my things, we climbed into the car to head home, with one stop on the way--the municipal funeral home.
1pm Finished all the details necessary for cremation and finally drove home.
Physcially I feel pretty well. The delivery went without complications. The medical staff were very kind. The time with the baby was good but not very sentimental. Emotionally, the day went amazingly well. Very few tears or even sadness really. (I´m sure it will be on the agenda at a later date.) Now that I am home, I am tired and mostly just want to lie down and be alone.
Thank you so much for praying for us, for sharing your hope, for shining His light in our darkness. Although I want to be alone right now, I still need companionship. So many are helping to surround both Ruben and me and fill us up with love and joy, hope and strength.
Thank you again for walking down this road with us.
"Bless this nest, Lord, of fragile things, encircling the breakable and broken in grace, in the ever warmth of Your wing, in the sheltering shadow of Your face, us-the clinging ones, You-our clutch of hope, singing to us the song of home."
This morning we woke up at 6am because Aaron was sure that it was daytime already and just couldn't be convinced to go back to sleep.
I took him to playschool and, for the first time since September, he did not cry this morning when I took him to his classroom. (He wasn´t elated to go...but he was not crying.) I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that we saw 2 little green-haired clowns with red noses on the way this morning.
Everyone here is preparing for Mardi Gras here and it´s a big deal at the schools and even the playschools. There are parades and other festivities all weekend. The littlest ones even dress up. Tomorrow, Aaron will dress up like a duck. Although I got to prepare his very simple costume, unfortunately I won´t get to see him in it. Ruben will have to take pictures.
As I entered into his classroom....I was crouching down to help Aaron put on his smock, and all of a sudden, at least 5 or 6 of the children circled around me, greeting me, saying "hello" with big smiles. It was sweet and kind of funny that it happened this way...."They must want some extra attention," I thought.
One of the little girls even carressed my hair for several seconds. "How sweet. What a blessing." I thought. Later I thought, "Could it be that they know?" Of course they don´t know. Their parents don´t know. I know that Aaron knows something because he´s been extra sensitive since our visit to the hospital, holding my hand more, wanting/giving me more hugs; but even if Aaron understands it, he´s not old enough to comprehend it completely, let alone explain it to the other 2-year-olds. Then I wondered, as I sometimes do, if there´s some other supernatural, sensitive world in the world of children, things they sense without even really knowing what it is. :-) Regardless of what it is, the Lord used the little ones to send a fresh sense of hope this morning.
While Aaron was at playschool I went shopping for a few items...mostly looking for some comfortable clothes to have for the hospital visit. I wish I would have bought some fuzzy slippers. I forgot to look for fuzzy slippers.
One thing I did buy was a pink water bottle (similar to the one pictured here.) One of the things I´ve missed, really since I was pregnant with Aaron (3 years ago!), is going running. I ran some when Aaron was small, pushing our off-road stroller; but it´s so heavy that it wasn´t super motivating, especially with all the hills. During this pregnancy, I have often thought, "I can´t wait to be able to get back to running." Of course, it´s easy to say that. When the time actually arrives, the motivation isn´t always there. I bought this pink water bottle and decided that I´m going to run for Rebeca Grace. She will be my motivation. She´s free now. She has a new body. She´s running and playing in heaven. And so I will run again...and soon as it´s physcially possible and I will celebrate her freedom. And the water bottle....well, it´s a pretty, pink water bottle that will remind me not to wallow in sorrow, but to run on...for her and with her!
There have been many phone calls on my cell phone and here at home today. I answered one call this morning that came while I was in a store. Just before the phone rang a new round of tears had started. I tried to regain composure and made it almost to the end of the phone call...but then couldn´t talk anymore. So, I haven´t picked up the phone anymore today. If you´ve called, I hope you´ll understand. I just don´t have a great desire to talk right now. I just want to be alone with Aaron and Ruben.
I just ran across a website with stories about miscarriage. I have just done a quick read of one of the stories, but haven´t even read thoroughly yet....but I thought it might be good to share here, in case you want to read what someone else has written about losing a baby. I want to go back and read it more closely later.
In case you're wondering, I have to be at the hospital tomorrow at 8:30 to start the process of inducing delivery. I may write more tonight. I may not. I'll be back though.
Ruben and Aaron and I just got back from the hospital a couple hours ago. We went to the emergency room because the baby had been moving less and less...and then I hadn´t noticed any movement since Sunday afternoon.
They did an ultrasound and it´s clear that the baby has passed away.
So, I´ll go back tomorrow to get a pill, an "abortion pill," the doctor called it.
Then on Friday I´ll check in to the hospital to deliver the baby. They´ll induce and they say that she should arrive by Friday afternoon/evening. If all goes according to plan, I´ll be able to go home on Saturday.
Last week was a busy week. I was moving from one place to another at a more rapid pace than usual. That might be why baby Grace seemed to move around less....but it seems that she´s been moving, kicking, etc. less and less in general lately. Sunday was the last day that I noticed her normal wiggles and kicks. It seems that she is possibly still alive, but maybe not. It´s just not clear.
Last night I was sad. I woke up at 4am and couldn´t go back to sleep. I was thinking about the baby. She did move a bit, kind of like rolling over. There was some other little beat, like maybe a heartbeat, but very little movement. Am I ready for this moment? Not yet, not yet.
Again I was sad, feeling defeated....and then I was reminded that if she is gone now, she is free. The Lord has decided to take her home now where she is in the best hands and where she will no longer suffer.
The thing is...we just don´t know if she´s still here or already there.
So, our plan is to head to the hospital later today to take a look-see. I´ll let you know what happens!
Thank you for your prayers and calls and emails asking about how the last doctor´s visit went. I sent out an email on Feb. 5 to several people requesting prayer for this doctor´s appointment and the ultrasound.
*that Ruben and I would sense the Lord´s presence and that He would reassure us that He will wowrk all things to our good
*for quick rest and recuperation for Ruben who is just finishing a week-long nightshift, with the last 2 days being 12-hour night shifts
*for God´s glory to be seen during the ultrasound: that the doctors would be surprised in a positive way by the results they find
*for grace and confidence, praying against fear and worry
*for energy and time to take care of important planning details regarding the baby´s homegoing (i.e. passing away), whenever that may be
The morning itself went well. What I didn´t mention earlier is that I actually had 2 appointments that morning, one for the ultrasound and the other for a regularly scheduled blood analysis. Because they were scheduled so closely together, I actually didn´t get ANY time to talk withthe doctor abou tthe results that she found during the ultrasound.
When I compare the written reports (all in Catalan, of course) I see a slight difference in some numbers, but I don´t know if they indicate improvements or deterioration. Since there was no time for consultation afterward, I don´t have a lot of new news. :-(
Basically all the physical defects that the baby suffers form are still currently there. Plus, the baby is now a month behind in her growth. In the last appointment she was 2 weeks behind. This is typical of Trisomy 18 babies, who are born smaller than normal and suffer from great delays in their growth, in the womb AND after birth.
However, as the ultrasound doctor (who is not my regular doctor, but is part of her team) was recording the final data, I asked about the flow through the baby´s umbilical cord. I told her that during the last visit my doctor told me that there was NOTHING flowing thorugh the umbilical cord. This doctor said, "That would be impossible. The baby would be dead." "I know," I responded. "That´s why I want to know about any possible changes you´ve seen."
The flow through the umbilical cord is measured on a scale of 1-5, 1 being normal and 2 being "not so great" and then going downhill from there. The last report actually stated "ABSENCE of flow through the umbilical cord," and my doctor described it as a 5.
The report from this latest ultrasound states that the flow changed to a 2.34, a HUGE change on the 1-5 scale! Her report read, "A reversal in umbilical cord flow." So, that was encouraging. At least Baby Grace is still alive and moving around in there, although she´s moved around a little less this week, possibly due to all her physcial health challenges and/or possibly due to my increased busyness this week.
One other special detail is that I finally made a short video of the baby´s ultrasound, seeing her body, her slight movements and hearing her heartbeat. Another Trisomy 18 mom had suggested this after the last appointment. So, I got it and I´m so glad. It might not be so interesting for the rest of you, but I´ll share it here just to have it included in the blog:
All three of us (Ruben, Aaron and I) actually got to recuperate a little extra sleep at the beginning of the week because Aaron was apparently more tuckered-out than usualy and "slept in" an extra hour, not waking at the crack of dawn. :-)
In terms of planning details regarding this baby´s homegoing, right after the doctor´s visit, I stopped by the municipal funeral home (each city has one) to ask about the procedure and prices. (Not by coincidence, the cemetary/funeral services are just one bus-stop away from the hospital.) The person in charge was busy so I wasn´t able to get the information I wanted. I´ll have to go back another day. It actually worked out better that way. I was sad on the bus ride back home, unable to contain the flow of my tears. Yet, out of the blue, the Lord brought a song to my mind at that moment that comforted me so much:
"God will make a way where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way. He will make a way."
I´ve received multiple gifts in the mail for Baby Grace and for the rest of us....from my mom, from my parents´church and from some special friends in Texas. I feel showered, not only with useful items, but also with love and care. Thank you for praying for God´s provision and goodness for us.
The next appointment is scheduled for Februrary 27th with my main doctor. I hope to be able to go into more detail with her regarding the baby´s growth and development.
Praise the Lord for the change in umbilical cord flow! Whether it´s something normal that tends to occur or it´s some great miracle, God´s hand is obvious in the life of this little one.
Again, thank you so much for praying. As the Lord prompts you, please keep us in your prayers....
*for joy, for hope and for a constant practice of God´s presence
*for supportive partnership between Ruben and me
*for consisten and loving parenting from us for Aaron
Kind friends continue to touch base and ask, "How are you doing? How are you feeling?"
Well, most of this week, and especially last night, I have been going to bed super late! That often happens when Ruben works the night shift; but it also happens when I´m worried or preoccupied about something. I stay awake (often keeping busy with emails or following news on the internet) until I can´t keep my eyelids open any more...I think it´s a defense mechanism against thinking too much!
In addition to not sleeping much, I also haven´t been eating well this week either, another small way to try to control my circumstances. That symptom usually pops up when I´m under stress. While I´m not feeling particularly stressed, apart from any other normal pregnancy, these behaviors of mine reveal the concern that is mounting about the coming storm.
In these first days I have been pretty positive when I talk to people. It has been genuine, not contrived. Part of that is due to a real trust in God, part is due to the many prayers that others have offered for us, and part of that has been just a stubborn will and sheer determination to never drown in depression and grief again.
The last major crisis that we lived as a family was a life-threatening car accident in May of 2007. In that situation there was no warning. It was a head-on collision that broke both of Ruben´s legs and tore my intestine which resulted in emergency abdominal surgery and kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks. Several long months of slow healing and recovery followed. I was overwhelmed with the grief of physical suffering and loss we experienced due to the carelessness of someone else. Part of me just doesn´t want to deal with that again. Haven´t we lived enough suffering for a lifetime already?
Of course, I know that grief is healthy and important and not really something to avoid; but until the actual moment comes, I´m trying to focus on the positive (which also involves NOT thinking too much about the negative) and at the same time hunker down and prepare for the winds and waves on the horizon.
Sometimes I try to balance my experience by remembering that I am not the only one who has suffered or will suffer. There are moms and dads who must have suffered much more than I ever could...like, for example, mothers and fathers in Rwanda and other war-torn countries who lost children and their own lives in the evil of genocide; or like the families in Somalia, Ethiopia and Kenya that are fighting right now for the lives of their children in the midst of last summer´s drought and famine in East Africa.
But you know what experience I´ve lived that was worse than any car accident? It has been living a period over the last few years of dryness and distance from God, which some refer to with a spiritual term called the dark night of the soul. You know what came out of my mouth last night with lips quivering as I fell into bed, exhausted and facing the reality of my concerns? "Jesus, please don´t leave me in the midst of this. Please don´t leave me." That would be far worse than other difficulty or problem I could ever face.
In fact, He has promised me that He hasn´t left me, that He never has and that He never will. As I was writing this entry I was reminded of an important encounter that He had with his disciples. Some of the things He imparted to the disciples as he was preparing for his own suffering and death included:
"I will ask the Father and He will give you another advocate who will help you and be with you forever....I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." (John 14:16, 18)
"I am the vine. You are the branches. He who remains in me will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing...If you remain in me and I remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you. This is to my Father´s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." (John 15: , 7, 8)
"I have told you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
So, I watch and wait, claiming His presence, His goodness, His power, His love for us and focusing on that. When the time comes, I will fall apart. I will sink down deep. I´m almost sure of it....but He will be there with me. He will catch me. He will not leave me....and He will overcome it. He will redeem it. Therefore, for as long as I can, I WILL worship Him and I WILL celebrate this little life in me with everything I have!
By the way, I had my last ultrasound 12 days ago. The doctor told me that there was nothing flowing through the baby´s umbilical cord, it´s main life source for nutrition and oxygen. I supposed that she would not live more than a few more days. Of course, it´s still early....but as of today she´s still alive and she´s kicking and moving.
God is the giver and taker of life. He, not the doctors, have the final say. While they are knowledgeable and helpful, I look to Him to guide us and to mark out the days for this baby. As we walk through this journey with our baby Grace, I´ve found new meaning in the words of King David of Israel....
"For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother´s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139: 13-16
