Her Going Home Could Be Nearer Than We Thought

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As I waited for the bus among the dozens of other passengers-in-waiting at the hospital bus stop, I had to wipe away the tears I had tried to hold back...I wasn´t sobbing yet, but doing some deep swallowing to maintain composure. I faced the warm, Mediterranean sunshine with my eyes closed and felt the cold, winter wind at my back.

I had just come from my latest ultrasound with our doctor, a specialist in genetic abnormalities. I watched as she measured the head, the legs, the torso, etc. and as she closely examined the heart, the spine, the intestines, the umbilical cord. There was a younger doctor there too, observing, learning how to recognize birth defects and typical Trisomy 18 symptoms, like her clenched hands. "Are they fused together?" she asked the experienced doctor quietly, without referring to the body part (but I knew she was talking about the baby´s fingers.) "No, they aren´t fused together. They are just like that, always clenched." (A typical sign of Trisomy 18.)

When the doctor finished the exam, I asked, "More problems?" because with every visit and further development of the baby, more developmental problems have been revealed. To my surprise she said, "No, no changes since the last appointment." In some ways, I breathed a sigh of relief...at least there´s nothing additional. Last time they had identified the poorly developing placenta and the reality that it is not functioning well. I asked about the baby´s growth because during the last visit we saw that she was two weeks behind on her growth. Today the ultrasound revealed that she is now three weeks behind.

The biggest news, the saddest news, however, is that there is nothing flowing through the umbilical cord now. (The umbilical cord is what connects the baby to the placenta, which supplies the baby with nutrients and oxygen from the mother and transfers waste products and carbon dioxide back from the baby to the maternal blood supply.) So, nothing good getting to her and nothing bad is able to get out of her.

In my mind, this news signals certain death...it´s just a matter of time. I´m only 5 months pregnant. We knew that there was a strong possibility that the baby would not make it to the end of the 9-month pregnancy to be born; but I have started to get used to the idea of at least carrying her to term. 

Although it seemed strange to ask, I had to know...."So, how will I know if the baby stops living? If she dies, I mean?" The doctor said that if we go 24 hours without noticing any movement, that´s usually the sign.

The baby has seemed so lively lately, wiggling and punching. It´s so fun to know that she´s there, alive and kicking, despite however uncomfortable I feel. And then I had to ask the next question, "So, what do I do if that happens?" "Come to the emergency room, straight to the delivery area and we´ll do an ultrasound to confirm." "And then you´ll induce to cause the baby to be born, right?" I asked, "Yes," she replied.

So, we´re watching and waiting, just not sure how things will go. Thoughts passed through my head as I walked from the doctor´s office to the bus stop..."Noone is promised tomorrow." "Our children are not our own. They are on loan to us to care for them." "Jesus loves the little children."

Also, Colton Burpo´s story of his trip to heaven and back in Heaven Is For Real came to my mind. Among his many encounters, one was with a little girl who told him that she was his sister. Months after his life-after-death experience, Colton came to the kitchen and told his parents, "I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn´t you?" Being so young, Colton was not told by his parents about the miscarriage; so they were very surprised by his statement. "In heaven this little girl ran up to me and wouldn´t stop hugging me....She said she can´t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven." pp. 94-96, Heaven Is Real.

While this is merely one 4-year-old´s personal account, his words echo what Scripture tells us in Ecclesiastes 3:11..."He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet, no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." We have been designed to live for eternity. The reality of eternity and the hope of the goodness of God have held me steady this afternoon...and will surely hold me to the very end. This is real. This baby is real...and I WILL see her again. This is not the end.

And so, to talk of death, such finite-ness, doesn´t seem to be the most adequate perspective. As I think of this empending moment, the death of our baby, for me, I can only consider it a going home, a passing to eternity where she will be in the best care with Jesus and where I will meet up with her again one day.

When I arrived at home, I tried to share the news with Ruben. The words wouldn´t come out, only tears. Please know that I´m normal. I have grieved and will be grieving. I´m not trying to stuff this down. I know there will be many more tears and maybe long weeks and months of darkness in the aftermath of her departure...but right now, I am also experiencing peace, knowing that God really is in control and that this pregnancy has not been a waste, by any means. There is a little girl that has been given to us by the Father for a short time...and she will be there in heaven, waiting to greet us when we arrive.

In addition to this long-term perspective, I also received an extra poignant reminder today that God is here with me. Each day I read a different Bible verse that comes to me on my Android cell phone (so convenient) through the "Daily Bible" application for Android phones. These words enveloped me as I waited alone in the sun with a tear-stained face....

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

He is with me. He is with us. He has not abandoned us. He will comfort me. So, I am not and will not be afraid.

Please pray for us in the next few days and weeks. If God chooses to rescue this little one so that she can spend some more time on earth, we will rejoice! If He chooses to bring her home now, we will worship Him too. Pray for wisdom, courage, peace. Pray that we could take care of all the necessary details surrounding a birth and a death which could potentially come in the next few days or weeks. Thank you!