Searching for Grace

I found out I was pregnant in September. It´s been a difficult pregnancy due to constant and ongoing nausea and vomitting. (Yuk!)

In November we did the first sonogram. There were some concerns...but the doctors said that we would wait to see how the baby developed. Over the next few weeks I went in for a couple more sonograms. Every time we went, the doctors found some new problem.

I was very resistent to doing a CVS (biopsy) to detect genetic problems, not because I didn´t want the information, but because of the slight risk of abortion. I knew that regardless of the information we discovered through the biopsy, it wouldn´t change our decision to carry the pregnancy to term. So, why take the risk?

In December the next sonogram revealed more serious problems which were strong indications of a genetic problem. The doctor said that if we could rule out a genetic problem we could move forward in considering possible treatments for the problems that had been discovered.

(The main problems discovered are: a hernia in the umbilical cord, a hole in the lower chamber of the heart, a hernia in the diaphragm which has allowed the stomach and the intestine to move upward inside the body, up to where the lungs are, and finally, permanently clenched hands, which are a very strong sign of Edward´s Syndrome or Trisomy 18.)

So, reluctantly we scheduled an amnioscentisis for Dec. 28, just a week ago. The initial results came back on the evening of Dec. 30, just 2 days before the New Year. Our baby girl has Trisomy 18. (We´ll have the full results some time next week.) As the doctor described the sitaution, "it´s very serious." As we left the office, wewere asked to think about and consider what our next steps will be. Among the options put on the table was the option to "interrupt the pregnancy" as they say in Spanish.

What does this mean for us? I believe that ending the life that God initiated inside this womb is up to God, not us. So, we´re planning to move forward, trusting Him. At the same time, this is scarey. As we processed all of this, one of Ruben´s comments was, "We´re not prepared to handle this." My response..."Noone is."

So we search for grace. We breathe in and out. We take one day at a time. Live moment to moment.

In the last month I´ve shared the news with a few close friends who have kept up with the situation, praying, emailing, calling, continuing to ask about the pregnancy, for which I´m so grateful.

One habit that I´d like to pick up this year that has popularized by Ann Voskamp  involves giving thanks daily and looking for God´s good gifts of grace throughout the day, the simple graces that He sends our way each moment. This discipline helps us to slow down and reflect, helps us not to miss His goodness, His ongoing presence in our loves and the overwhelming love He showers on us as His children and it guides us to experience His holiness.

I invite you to come with us on this new journey in 2012 as we learn to see more of God´s grace, moment by moment, as we discover more about our little girl, as we experience more about Trisomy 18, as we glimpse more of God´s character and His will, as we live with joy and grief, as we rise up anew to walk by faith.