Just Checking In

So, I finally have a quiet moment at home. It´s Saturday afternoon and Papa has taken "little one" to the park for a little while. I don´t have much to say, but thought I´d log in just to keep folks updated....

It´s been 5 days since my last doctor´s visit when they said that there was nothing flowing through the baby´s umbilical cord. Each day since then I´ve been very careful to notice movements from the baby to ensure that she is still alive. Ruben asked me this morning if I´d noticed anything today and I couldn´t remember....but this afternoon as I sat down to write she´s been giving quiet little kicks...*whew* and I breathe a sigh of relief. 


Earlier this week a friend recently wrote and asked me how I was feeling. This is my response to her....

Thanks for wanting to empathize. The truth is I´m not feeling much of anything, especially since everythign is up in the air. It feels a little like I´m watching a movie. Last night I cried myself to sleep. This morning I woke up and started the day just like any other, feeling the same as any other normal day. I´ve noticed the baby moving still....so, it´s a little confusing, although there is no doubt that she is not well at all.


I´ve been sad about things we will probably never do (not even thinking about lifetime milestones like learning to ride a bike, going to the prom, graduating from high school and college, getting married, etc.) but now thinking more about things like dressing her little newborn body, giving her a bottle, changing her diaper, pushing her around in a stroller, making silly faces at her so that she´ll smile. I still know that God is able to intervene and change her story completely, but I´m also preparing for Him to take her home and heal her there.


I´ve also had thoughts about the things I´ve missed since being pregnant...a good glass of wine, drinking coffee without worrying about the caffiene, going running, having days where I feel good, i.e. no nausea and being full of energy. Mostly, it´s just waiting and watching...not thinking too much about it, although we need to go ahead and prepare funeral arrangements so that we don´t have to think so much about it when the time comes.


Moment to moment, the days are pretty normal. The hardest part is when people I know, mostly acquaintances (neighbors, moms from the park, moms and teachers at Aaron´s playschool, etc.) ask me how things are going. I usually just say "fine." I am thinking about preparing a note for the neighbors on my florr because they ask with such genuineness and they will definitely find out, sooner or later, about the Trisomy 18, especially if the baby comes early and/or is stillborn. It will be easier to tell them in a letter and easier to tell them sooner than later. I just haven´t had the energy to do it yet.

What a strange pregnancy....my thoughts are not of "What will it be like with 2 children soon?" or "I wonder if she´ll have red hair and fair skin" or "Maybe she´ll have Ruben´s smile." No....the thoughts about the future just carry me to a big blank spot, a big question mark and mostly leave me wondering if her premature (and eventual funeral) arrival will come this week or next, or next month or the next....and I also wonder how it will play out when I see my neighbors, those acquaintances that I don´t see every week, who politely will ask, "How are you?" "How was labor?" "How is your baby?" What will I tell them? How will I break the news?

Does this mean that I´ve stopped praying for a miracle? No. Definitely not. I´m doing my best to call on and wait on the Creator of the Universe and, at the same time, face the hard reality of our circumstances, so as to walk through them without living in denial. I´m so glad that He´s in charge and not me.

I´ve been encouraged by friends, and even strangers, who have written and called to share support, thoughts, comments, Bible verses and reading excerpts....


"My peace is the treasure of treasures: the pearl of great price." Also, " Thank Me when things do not go your way, because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials. Adverse circumstances are normal in a fallen world. Expect them each day. Rejoice in the face of hardship , for I have overcome the world." -Jesus Calling  


"The power of praise... it releases God's goodness in your life! Just remember when Paul was sent to prison for witnessing.  He was placed in the deepest prison cell - as though he were a criminal.  He, then, together with Silas, began to praise Him.  So loud that the other prisoners were able to hear them.  It was so loud (figuratively) that their praise reached Heaven...  And God released His power.  The doors of the prison cells (plural) opened up (they were not the only ones who received God's benefits) and they all were free to go.  But none had left just yet.  They were still in the prison cells.

God's power opened the doors for Paul, Silas and the other prisoners. So, if the circumstances try to imprison us, the power of Praise will release God's gift of freedom (the expected answer, healing, etc.) in our lives!! I will praise Him regardless of my circumstances.  Every problem is temporary.  God is Eternal.  His Word is Eternal.  His Love for YOU is Eternal."


Although I´m very tired as I write, I´m still encouraged.

Physically, I´m getting to that point of starting to feel  uncomfortable with the size of my belly and, while the terrible ongoing nausea that I experienced for the first 4 months of the pregnancy has subsided, I still don´t feel 100% better every day. The last two days I have been dragging a bit. And, while Aaron tests us with his 2-year-old tantrums, he is still and always be a complete blessing to us.

Ruben starts his night shift this week. It makes for a long week and usually tired conversations between us.

Please pray for kindness in our household this week and grace for each day. 

Thank you!